and another

fence sitter, no opinion

crony, lackey, little minion

follow rules, do what’s told

your little voice inside folds

vile & dark, hate thee so

yet by your cry, sway to and fro

ask no questions, tell no lies

onward march, with blind eyes

timid voice, submerged within

light that’s bound, unopened

to share, to sin; to sin, to be meek

no! be strong not weak

firm and silent, shut your mouth

open not, lest you leave no doubt

stoic and glaring, friend or foe

speak not till spoken to

take your life, make a stand

cross the road, don’t hold hands

threshold’s edge, go through the door

grow up son, child no more

an older one

i once heard that the best way to live life is by doing something that scares you everyday. something that makes you nervous. something that you wouldn’t normally do. i guess it’s a way of testing your limits. learning who you are. looking deep into oneself maybe even. no, it doesn’t have to be something as extreme as bungee jumping or anything of the sort. learning how to drive. going up to the front of the class and giving a speech. using public transport on your own. asking out that girl you like. different things scare different people.

wednesday 20:32, september 10^th 2008.

i am definitely scared.

this whole business of interviews and group discussions terrifies me. i do not know how to sell myself.

interviewer: ‘so tell me about yourself joshua.’

me: ‘uh well…uh my name is uh… joshua moraes and i uh… bachelor um i mean…uh bsc stats…uh…first class?’

interviewer: ‘riiiight, so we’ll get in touch with you.’ *click*

and it’s not like i don’t do things that scare me.

playing on stage in front of a hundred people scared me. writing up a monologue and acting it out in front of class scared me. and god knows how scared i was when i asked a girl out. but this interview thing…this feels different. i can already hear a lotta people going

‘no you fool it’s the same thing’

‘of course it’s the same thing, you’re shitting bricks here, you’re shitting larger bricks there’

it’s a learning experience. you challenge yourself. you succeed. you fail. either way you keep walking, you keep going. you can’t climb the ladder of life without missing a step or two.

wednesday 20:55, september 10^th 2008.

it didn’t happen. big sigh of relief obviously.